I'm a pretty selfish person, really. And I'm not really very giving. I like to hoard stuff for a rainy day, to make sure our booties are covered. I'd prefer for our savings account to have thousands of dollars in it, so in case something happens I know we can cover ourselves. Sure, there's some wisdom in that. But ultimately, it reveals that my heart doesn't totally, trust God every day to provide for me/us.
As we've become closer to our financial goal line, I've found myself praying that God would still allow us to receive all 3 grants, and tons of money from them. [You can tell a lot about your soul's health by what you pray for!] I want all that "extra" money to make sure we have our travel expenses paid for, rebuild our savings account after we've annihilated it through this adoption, have enough saved up to take time off work, and buy all the baby stuff one needs. But a couple days ago, I got a little reality check from Jesus.
This whole adoption thing is causing even my selfish, hoarding financial side to be changed. I've been sabotaged by others' generosity and how God's provided the right amount of money - from our bank account or others - at exactly the right time for the right need. And I love experiencing in the depths of my soul that God's not forgotten me and he is for me and he wants to bless me.
So the other day as I was praying for a landfall of additional grant money, God prompted me differently. He said, "What about that trust factor again? What of your needs won't I meet? How about if I simply take care of your needs and not provide a landslide of resources? What about others' needs?" Hmmm...good point, Provider.
Here's a manifesto, of sorts, about the kind of person I want to be:
- I want to be the kind of woman who will trust God for my next provision, not have it all worked out so I'm mistakenly deceived that I can do it all myself.
- I want to experience God's blessing through his people, not just be able to take care of myself.
- I want to be the kind of woman who is a blessing to other people, too, who can't just take care of themselves.
- I want to be the kind of woman who blesses others the way that countless others have blessed us - radically, sacrificially - through our adoption.
- I want to give to people who wouldn't expect me to care, act, or serve them.
- I want to be the kind of giver that people will cause people to worship Jesus for how he's provided for them through one of his people.
I think that's more of the way it's supposed to work. Thank you to those of you who've taught me about this through your selfless, sacrificial giving. Now, I'm just praying that God would provide our daily bread so we are forced to radically depend on him and ruthlessly trust him in this journey. It's scarier for me this way, but it feels better in my soul.