One of the tasks of my Sabbatical has been to revisit this painful past year (or two). The author I chose to guide me through is Dan Allender. I've read a number of his books and love everything he has to say. During my Sabbatical, I've been pacing myself through The Healing Path. I've been tempted to race through it because it's so readable and I'm so resonating with it, but I also want to slowly absorb it and let it touch those wounded, tender places in my soul.
One of the more profound truths I've absorbed is quoted from theologian Frederick Buechner,
We are never more alive to life than when it hurts -
more aware both of our own powerlessness to save ourselves
and of at least the possibility of a power beyond ourselves to save us
and heal us if you can only open ourselves to it.
Yes! I've said on a number of occasions in the past few months with the raw pain behind us that I almost miss some of the heartbreak of our infertility journey. Not because I'm a masochist. Not because I wish we were still going through medical treatment. Not because I wish I was pregnant. But because the intensity of my pain allowed me to go to places with God, Brian, myself, and my community that pain-free living does not. I do not wish to go back to those moments of desperation and despair, but I do long to be fully alive (thus my tattoo). And pain does that more than anything.
Of course, I am desperately seeking to live in the change that this journey has produced. I want to live with open hands to God's life-changing power and experience that LIFE in every way, every day. And I want my pain and heartbreak to heal me more and more...