Following Jesus for me has never been that difficult. There's been a few bumps along the road, doubts, fears, and challenges, but I've always had faith in Jesus. I think when life has always been pretty painless, it's easy to follow Jesus. My dad says I have a tendency to fall into a pile of crap and come out smelling like a rose. Oversimplified, that's been my life and journey following Jesus.
But what happens when life gets hard? Infertility changed everything for me. Through one diagnosis, my faith was immediately, wholly challenged. For the first time, my core beliefs, values, and desires were called into question. I was gently forced to re-question my faith Jesus and what he most desired for me.
God is not a giant 8-ball. He doesn't revolve around me. What I want most isn't necessarily what's best for me or best for the Kingdom. Ultimately, why do I love Jesus?
I remember a day when I was listening to a worship song (probably Chris Tomlin who was my worship leader for the year) and something clicked deep within. Through a lot of tears, these words spilled out...
I will follow you, Jesus, no matter what.
I love you because of who you are, not only for what you can do for me.
I will be obedient to you, even in my darkest hour.
I will trust that you will give me your best, even though the best to me looks different.
No matter what...I mean it.