5 months

Today marks 20 weeks pregnant with our son. I'm halfway there!

To be honest, though, this has been the roughest month of pregnancy for me. I've experienced more physical discomfort, pain, exhaustion, stretching, and nauseous that my first 4 months combined. Vomit, gas, indigestion, utter exhaustion, and physical depletion have all been a major part of this past month of pregnancy. It may have some to do with 2 weeks of holiday traveling, my belly growing, caring for 2 toddlers, and a few very emotionally exhausting work weeks, but I'm desperately praying this isn't a trend for the remainder of my pregnancy. The past couple weeks have involved a LOT of tears, Tums, careful eating, desperate prayers, silent fears. If you need further proof that we are less-than-perfect, the Christmas tree wast just taken down 4 days ago and is still sitting in our living room in it's box.

REDEMPTION. Instead of working a satisfying and FULL work day today at my church, I spent the day in bed. I woke up and knew I wasn't feeling ok. But I pulled myself out of bed, took a shower, starting putting on makeup, and then sent a text to our [male] lead pastor and [male] co-worker that I was feeling awful and needed prayer. The next 5 minutes of text exchanges lead me to literally weeping in my bathroom: "rest with joy", "we are a team", "we got your back", "take care of yourself and baby". While wiping away hormonal tears to read the texts, I realized the tears were both present and historic.

Present because THIS has been the worst week of pregnancy. I've felt terrible most of the week and by yesterday felt utterly discouraged at the feat of carrying my son for another 20 weeks. I've tried to tough it out this week - at work and at home - while still quietly attending to my body and baby. It's left me exhausted.

But my tears also opened up a historic wound and fear in my leadership journey. Since the early days of ministry, I've been afraid - rightfully and imagined - that my being feminine would eventually place a ceiling on my influence. I felt that most acutely as a mother. So, too often I've erred on the side of not crying on the job, faking feminine pain, speaking like a man when my feminine voice is more needed, not talking about my infertility or kids' latest accomplishments, etc.

However, being on staff at Newsong for nearly the past 8 years has been very healing and freeing for me. Our mostly-male leadership has affirmed, blessed, promoted, and stood by me in the most unlikely times - like this morning. Receiving texts like these this morning - when all I wanted to do is suck in my protruding belly, push through the yuckiness, and pretend to be Super Momma-Pastor - they didn't let me. They didn't ask invasive questions or challenge my plea for prayer. They didn't ask if I thought I could still fulfill my significant responsibilities today or ask that I find replacements. They simply blessed me and prayed for me. My risk to be vulnerable was monumentally healing for me and, I believe, restoring for the community I lead in.

LIMITS. If there's just one lesson to be learned in pregnancy for me, it's accepting my limits. Today was a clear example but there's been a hundred over the past few months. Some close friends gently, firmly, and compassionately chastised me a couple weeks ago that though the demands of my job and motherhood are evident these days, there is nothing more important than caring for the little man growing inside of me. I only get 1 shot to be pregnant, only 9 months to set him on a developmental trajectory that will impact the rest of his life, only one shot to "enjoy" these 9 months. It was a reset of my limits and priorities that I think about every day. Though I may not be able to work 12-hour days anymore or throw my babies up in the air, I must care for this little being consuming my womb and every conscious moment. I'm the ONLY one who can do this job.

As for a picture of my belly, here's a picture I took a couple days ago from our HORRENDOUS women's restrooms at work. The background is an atrocity and it's a self-portrait into a mirror, but at least it captures nearly 20 weeks en utero for our son.

I have to say, maternity pants are the BEST! So comfy and no zippers and buttons to deal with when going to the bathroom. BONUS!

NAMES. Also, on a very random note, we have no idea what to name our son. We have a few names in the queue but no glorious moment affirmed by singing angels. Again, naming Judah and Addise was borderline divine and simple. For this baby, we had the PERFECT first AND middle name selected. I even have back-up girl names. But to name this boy feels impossible. I've resorted at this point to reading movie credit names and listening into stranger's conversations for tips. Our major problem is the 1) we want a creative and somewhat unique name, like J&A, and 2) it must be highly meaningful and somewhat prophetic for our son's life. That eliminates about one million names. And once you start looking for names for YOUR child, you realize how many names you hate.


Again, if you have any suggestions on where to look for names let me know. And you'll get bonus points if you can direct me to a place where I can search for names by meaning [ex: names that mean "restore" are...].

Thanks for hanging with me in the sob story of today. And for praying. I know it changes things, especially me.

How we found out we were having a BOY

What a week it's been! Tuesday we discovered we were having a SON. Wednesday we remembered how 1 year ago we stood before a U.S. Embassy employee in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia and were granted permission to bring home our first two children.

Who would've thought a year ago that I'd be laying on a table, jelly on my belly, learning the gender of my baby who looks more like an alien than a boy? I didn't guess it. God's like that.

I woke up nervous on Tuesday morning. Your guesses about the gender didn't give me any clarity either. Really, it was a very even competition, though some of you had a VERY strong opinion and some of you were wrong. HA! In our gut, Brian and I thought there was a girl stretching out my flat tummy. Maybe partially because we've had a girl name picked out for ages and the meaning behind that name seemed divine for this pregnancy. Yet, we both also sensed that since nothing has gone according to plan the past 5 years in the baby area the gender of this baby probably would surprise us, too. And surprised we were!

We showed up to our appointment on time and I sat in the waiting room biting my fingernails. I prayed we wouldn't have to wait long into this 45 minutes sonogram to hear, "It's a..." But when we got into the room, our technician said she'd take measurements for 25 minutes, then turn the monitor toward us, and show off our baby to us. I asked if she'd search for gender and she confirmed. So I sat staring at Brian's face, the drop-ceiling, and studying corners of the room for about 15 minutes.

Then, as the technician rolled the wand across my 18 week, 2 day belly she abruptly announced, "it's a boy" rather anticlimactically. WHAT?!?!? She semi-rotated the monitor in our direction to show us the family jewels and it became clear. Atta-boy. Then, Brian and I stared at each other and had a brief non-verbal conversation with each other. WHOA. Not a girl. A boy. Out of nowhere, we were told we were having a boy. Finally, she turned the monitor in our direction and gave us a guided tour to our son's forming body. It was miraculous and alien and mysterious and shocking.

Our son is active. Strong heartbeat. Did I say VERY active? He was gracious enough to show us every part of his growing body - long fingers, itty bitty feet, brain, nose, between the legs. His belly is all swollen, reminding me of Judah's when he first came home. He sucked his thumb. Opened his mouth. Pulled on his ears. Posed for a few great profile pictures. Showed off a few somersaults. Crossed his feet. The whole thing was surreal, but we walked out with about 6 feet of pictures to prove we really are pregnant with a boy.

Surreal! So as we settle into the last half of this pregnancy with the knowledge of our son's place in our family, we need your help.

Names - Where are the best places to search boy names? Naming Judah and Addise was really easy. For this pregnancy, we had "the name" for a baby girl, but have no idea where to start in naming our son. And we have to come up with a middle name, too? Oh man. Seems like an overwhelming - and most important - task. Naming our son is so important to us. It's an identity, a calling, a blessing. We want his name to mean as much to us as our first two kids' names.

Also, at this point, we've decided not to share our son's name before he's born. We want some element of surprise when he arrives. And we don't want anyone's attempts to sway us if they don't like what we've determined. So, you know it's a boy and that's all you'll know until he makes his appearance. :)

Infant Items - What were your non-negotiable items for your newborn and infant? I have no idea what we must register for. Remember, I've only parented an 11 month old and older, so this newborn thing is NEW territory for us! Be simple. Be multi-purposeful. And for heaven's sake, be fashionable!

Thanks for your congrats and joy. Every bit of it I'm savoring in my heart and is growing my excitement. I cannot imagine parenting without a village.

Baby Diaz #3 Update and Poll

Well, I'm 17.5 weeks pregnant with Baby #3 slash Baby #1 in utero. I keep thinking "I know how to grow a baby in my heart. This whole growing a baby in my belly is entirely different." I have friends who've both adopted and birthed biological children who claim there are remarkable similarities between the 2 processes. I'm failing to see the resemblances. Feel free to enlighten me if you've done both.

Truth be told, I've enjoyed about 4 minutes of this pregnancy [not including the actual conception part which was longer than 3 minutes]. Three of those minutes were on November 18th at 11:39am when we saw our baby doing flip flops and somersaults in my belly. My midwife jokingly scolded our 11 week old baby to calm down so she could get good measurements. I genuinely laughed in delight and awe of this child growing within me.

The fourth minute was last night. I felt our baby move for the first time. I felt something almost painful on the upper left side of my belly and then something push against my belly. I even felt something hard and circular [head?!?] multiple times on the outside of my belly. Brian couldn't feel it but I swear it was the baby. That was my favorite minute of pregnancy, hands down!

Every other minute of this pregnancy has been tolerable at best. I wish I reveled in this process more, but I'd be lying.

I'm hoping for another exciting experience on Tuesday [January 10th] where we have our 45-minute sonogram and HOPE to find out the gender of this little being. Just for fun, I thought we'd start a poll so you can guess the gender, arrival date, weight, and height of this baby. GUESS HERE!

If you are inclined to think my belly's shape is sign of the gender, here's a picture we took today of my exploding belly [and fattening face] at nearly 18 weeks...

Have Fun and Good Luck!