No Matter What

We say "I love you" a lot in our family. Words of affirmation are big for me. And I think that with as much loss as my first two kids have experienced, they need to hear those three words continuously. Those most important words need to burrow deep into their wounded souls and heal over all the pain they've experienced in their short little lives.

An old friend that I follow on Twitter says that when she sings lullabies to her 1 year old son at night, she finds herself only being able to sing "I love you. I love you. I love you." over and over again. In this broke down world, I don't think there's anything more important for a 1 year old to hear above anything else.

A few months ago a friend shared that in his family they add three words to "I love you". They say "I love you...no matter what". When I heard that, I knew it would become a Diaz family mantra. Judah and Addise are just catching on to those extra words. Now sometimes when I say "I love you" I'll let it hang in the air a little long and they'll sing out "NO MATTER WHAT". My heart soars!

Today, driving home Addise was beyond tired. She'd played hard at church all morning with her bestest friends and she needed a nap. Twenty minutes ago. We'd missed the window of "no meltdowns between church and home". It was going to be a grueling 15 minute car ride home. I was trying to ask her happy questions about church and her friends and her lunch, yet everything I asked her was met with defiance and anger. She was determined to be argumentative and negative about EVERYTHING I was saying to her. This went on for about 5 minutes. Just for kicks, it went a little like this:

Me: Addise, how was church? 

Addise: No mommy. No talking church.

Me: Addise, you don't tell mommy no. 

Addise: No mommy telling me no. 

I was exasperated with how to correct her attitude/behavior and still safely drive my minivan (that's right folks...swagger wagon). I whispered a breath prayer and the Holy Spirit opened my mouth and I sternly said, "ADDISE!" 

Addise: Yes? (in her soft sing songy voice) 

Me (still stern): I LOVE YOU! 

Addise (slightly softening): Mommy, you love me? 

Me (a little more tender): Yes, I love you. 

Addise (sweet as sweet can be): Mommy, you love me...no matter what? 

Me (humbly): Yes, baby, I love you no matter what.

 ...peaceful silence for the rest of the drive. I couldn't believe it. 

I had a similar experience a few days ago in the car with Judah. He was whiney over something silly but it somehow linked to his wounded past. His reaction was nonsensical (which should have alerted me to his tears being historic). He wouldn't stop after all my sane tactics. 

So I yelled at him. I mean I really let him have it. 

I was so angry and frazzled and done. Well, that didn't work (DUH!). He started SOBBING and again the gentleness of the Spirit nudged me. I apologized to my son. I asked him to forgive me. He said he did. But he didn't stop crying. Ugh. So the Spirit pushed a little more. 

Me: Judah, do you need me to tell you that I loved you. 

Judah (crying): Yes.

Me: Judah, I love you...no matter what. I'm sorry buddy. 

Judah: Thanks mom. Love you too.

With those six words, he stopped crying and flipped a switch into happy Judah-boy mode. I think he saw a bulldozer on the side of the road and he was eager to tell me about it.

It's so easy to think that though my kids have been home with me for close to two years that their wounds are already healed because of all the love and intention we've poured into them. But these past few days have been reminders of how desperate they are to still hear...

I love you. No matter what.

I suppose they aren't that much different than you or me.

Birthday Boy

I'm just gonna say what every other parent says on their child's birthday, "HOW IS MY SON 4 YEARS OLD?!?!" This birthday was like our first one with Judah because last July 8th he was barely speaking English and had no concept of birthdays. This year was a different story. I was a bit obsessive about building anticipation for his big day.

"Judah, what's coming up?" 
"How old are you going to be?"
"What are we doing for your birthday, buddy?"
"Do you want a party?"
"Is grandma coming here for your birthday?"
"Are you getting presents for your birthday?"

Brian got sick of it. I did not. To me, this was a birthday worth celebrating BIG. So we did for about 2 weeks.

The morning of his birthday, we burst into his room and I nearly yelled, "Judah, what's today?!?!" He bounced up on his bed and squealed, "MY BIRTHDAY! PRESENTS!!!!" Yes, buddy. Today's your day.

Lion King book from Uncle Matt and Aunt SB. He's a reader!

He's also a "watcher". This boy loves movies like his Daddy.

We celebrated his birthday at a bounce house with his friends a little belated so Grandma could be in town. It was so fun to party with our diverse group of friends!!! Judah had the time of his life.

FRIENDS!!!!!!

My girl with my mom.

We had a sweet friend make 2 kinds of DELICIOUS and adorably decorated cupcakes. We discovered a little too late that Judah ate the wrapper of half his cupcake. Oops.

"Cheese!" With Daddy.

Our oreo sandwich. Judah's best friend, Cohen. He's logged a lot of hours with Cohen over the past year and a half. This was their last time together since Coco's moving to Paris soon. Bittersweet part of his party.

The spoils. Judah was truly spoiled. Though I don't want my kids to be spoiled, this birthday felt "right" to shower him with gifts. It was an explosion of love on this little boy's life. He's never experienced something like this before now. So grateful for our friends for choosing thoughtful and fun gifts that he truly loves. They know him. That's the best part.

Addise couldn't quite understand why it wasn't her birthday too. :) Judah graciously shared the spotlight, because that's just who he is.

Heck ya! A Batman shirt with removable cape. SO COOL!

One gift was cooler than the next. He could hardly move from one gift to the next because he was so overwhelmed with each one.

Fishing pole for the pool. He's already been practicing a lot.

Thank you's have yet to be written but I've been non-stop grateful since his big day. Judah felt loved. He was celebrated. He was lavishly gifted. Most importantly, he was surrounded by friends and family who know him and love him.

Of course, I couldn't help but to think of the woman who gave him birth and gave him up. I silently spilled a few tears. Offered up a few prayers. Hoped that the God of all good and perfect gifts would continue making good things come from so much loss and pain.

Judah, you are my first born son. Your eyes speak a hundred thousand words in more animation and expression than your words can yet convey. You are kind. You are giving. You are a reader and a watcher. You are a great big brother to Addise and Asher. You are joy embodied. You have the most tender heart. You have a conscience that is enviable to most adults. You are smart as a whip. You are a deep observer and intense learner. You are a fighter. You are so sensitive. You are playful and silly. You love superheroes like your Daddy. You are uber-curious. You are my son and I love you beyond what you will ever comprehend. Happy birthday, Bugs.

Re-Finalization Day!

Eighteen months ago we became the legal parents to Judah and Addise in Ethiopia's eyes. In November 2010 we went to an Ethiopian court to swear before a Judge that we would forever and always be Abebayehu and Tarike's parents and love as our own children.

Our first official family picture after Ethiopian court.

Yesterday, May 31, 2012, we re-finalized our adoption in the United States. If we could describe the experience in two words: momentous and anti-climactic. When Judah and Addise entered the U.S. they were legally our children and U.S. citizens. They have a social security number. But re-finalization was necessary for some reason beyond my understanding strictly in order for them to receive inheritance and get U.S. birth certificates with their legally changed names. Until this point, their legal names have been Abebayehu Brian Diaz and Tarike Brian Diaz. HA! Yesterday's superfluous court appearance (in my humble opinion) changed all that.

Why they required another thick stack of confusing paperwork for those reasons is really mind boggling. Why couldn't those two things be taken care of the first time around?!?! Brian's sure it's only to secure jobs for government workers. This process didn't cost us any money (phew) but it cost us hours of time.

Oh so patiently waiting outside the court room. Why they schedule court hearings during nap time (1:45pm was our appointment) and then make you wait for an hour is beyond me?!? Puffins, grapes, and occasional squawks from Asher kept them contained and mildly mannered.

Our family of five with the Honorable Judge Sherman and the California state seal behind us. The Judge was so wonderful with us - kind, warm, and VERY fast. There were 6 families re-finalizing yesterday. I'd met the court clerk the week before where I told her we have 3 kids under 4 years old. She had mercy on us and put us as the #1 family to re-finalize yesterday. God bless her!! **Seeing Asher in this picture is like a page from "Where's Waldo".

The after party. Our wild and crazy Ethiopians. Asher was also passed out, but he's only 5 weeks old.

Though I'm not crazy about the pictures from our big-but-not-really day because of my 5-week postpartum body, the alternative wasn't my first choice (39 weeks pregnant). And I LOVE that Baby Asher is pictured in our family picture. Though Asher wasn't even in glimmer in his daddy's eye throughout our adoption process, it's beautiful that he's pictured in our final legal experience. God's so cool like that to arrange all those little details.

So, it's official. AGAIN. Judah Abebayehu and Addise Aster Tarike are forever Diaz's.

PS. It's highly likely that this blog will cross 100,000 views with this post. How fitting. It's wholly humbling to know that this blog's been viewed that many times in the past 3 years. What started as a streamlined attempt to keep long-distance family informed throughout our adoption has become much more for reader and writer. For this and more, I am thankful.