3 Transformation Approaches: Therapist, Spiritual Director, + Coach

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You need others to help you move forward in your life, but how do you know who the right person is to invest into your life? One of my favorite Proverbs is “plans fail for a lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed.” Collecting reliable voices in your life will be a huge predictor of your life’s wholeness.

Recently, I’ve been asked multiple times about how a coach actually compares to other types of “mentors”. Because of the upsurge of coaches in the last 5 years, there’s a lot of confusion about what makes coaching different and what makes a coach qualified. Here are the over-simplified, not comprehensive distinctions between the 3 approaches:

THERAPIST: past focus

A therapist is a healing discipline, focused on the past. A great therapist knows how to help you heal from family of origins wounds, trauma, process past hurts, and know yourself better in light of your past experiences. I’m a huge fan of therapy. I’ve personally had several chunks of time in my life where I’ve utilized a trained therapist for my specific issues. Every member of my family has been to counseling. The healthiest of leaders I know are people who’ve spent significant time in a counselor’s office. I consider this healing discipline a requirement for healthy, thriving life and leadership.

SPIRITUAL DIRECTOR: present focus

Spiritual Direction a mystical practice, focused on the present moment. A spiritual director is someone who helps you hear the voice of God in your life right now. A fantastic spiritual director has discernment and often prophetic gifts that can help you tap into the mystical nature of God. Direction offers the you the opportunity to open yourself up to a deepening relationship with the Divine. I’ve had the same spiritual director for over 15 years. Brian and I haven’t made a major life decision without asking her to help us hear from God well. I’ve utilized another spiritual director this last year as I needed to know where the Spirit was in the midst of some confusion and pain. Spiritual Direction is a beautiful and powerful practice.

COACH: future focus

A coach is a behavioral discipline, focused on the future. Coaching applies the art and science of transformation for how a person wants to move forward in their life. A trained coach is intuitive enough to know people are complex, thus coaching is an artful process. However, they are also skilled in how people change on a neurological and behavioral level. Coaching is rooted in behavioral science. It’s mandate-based, action-oriented, and results focused. A coach’s job is to see how people relate to the future and to use that as leverage for the present.

TRAINING MATTERS

It’s ideal when we have access to all three modalities of transformation. When I’m coaching someone I will often recommend using a therapist or spiritual director in partnership with coaching. Since they each focus on different aspects of transformation, each of them offer a unique perspective and approach. There are different periods of life when each modality is necessary and needs to be a priority. However, just as you would never go to a therapist who’s not trained and certified, you should really only work with a trained and certified spiritual director and coach. I’m not a certified therapist or spiritual director, so I don’t offer this kind of transformational work. I am a certified coach and because coaching has changed my life, I love providing this space for others. It’s so empowering when we’re able to achieve our goals and move from here to there.

There are a lot of “coaches” these days. The majority of those who provide coaching offer reactive, advice-giving based solutions. That approach has its benefits, but it’s not coaching. They’ve positioned themselves as the expert with the answers for your life. Since coaching is a developmental science, be sure to get a coach who practices the art and science of results-based coaching. Before you jump into a coaching relationship, explore their training and ongoing coaching development. Not all coaches are the same.

If you’d like to explore coaching for your future, you can take a next step HERE.

You can activate 1on1 coaching or participate in a catalytic coaching group this year.

Perhaps you want to be a certified coach. You can learn more about that HERE.

Representation Matters

I kicked off this year reading the memoir of our former First Lady, Michelle Obama. It was 2018’s #1 seller for good reason.

There is a lot that I adored about this book (I couldn’t put it down), but perhaps the most significant is this:

Representation Matters.

Eight years ago today Brian and I brought our Ethiopian son and daughter home. They landed on U.S. soil and they had a black President and First Lady. For the first time in U.S history there was a family occupying the White House, leading the Free World, that wasn’t white. Whatever your politics (perhaps especially because of your politics!), this matters. Over the next 6 years my son and daughter were able to see themselves in places of influence and with powerful voices. Having a black First Family formed their mindset of what’s normal. It gave them a model of what’s possible. It cast vision.

As a female leader, I’ve worked hard these last few years to learn from women and people of color. My 2018 Books I Loved list were predominantly by women and/or people of color. Their voices matter and I learn so much about my own Imago Dei and the character/nature of God through voices on the fringe. I can honestly say that I’ve learned more about God and myself from those not like me than anything else. Voices from the fringe have become beautiful, sacred teachers in my life.

This past weekend I finished Michelle Obama’s book, Becoming. I hated it to end, but as I closed the final chapter my daughter came out to the couch where I was sitting. She asked if I was already finished reading it (it’s over 400 pages!). Shocked at my amazing speed reading skills, she plopped down next to me and started flipping through the pages. She spent probably at least 15-20 minutes pouring over the pictures in the center, asking all the questions, and finally asking if she could read the book. She was drawn to the book because of what she saw, and it looked like her.

Yes, we fill our kids’ library with stories about people of color, but there’s something unique about a present day heroine showing you what’s possible. I saw it in Addise’s eyes as her 8 year old self looked at our former First Lady’s giant book. What if? What’s possible. Can I be like her?

Representation matters for my daughter, but it also matters to you. It matters that you see other women who’ve done what you want to do. It matters that you can see a way forward, even if it seems like there are glass ceilings and barriers to hurdle. It matters to know that you can do it AND keep your soul it tact. It matters to believe that you can fulfill your calling as a leader AND as a wife or mother. Representation matters for our sons and husbands. It matters so a more complete picture of the Imago Dei is expressed in every organization, church, and business.

Representation matters so you know you’re not alone.

I’m insanely committed to empowering women and people of color in leadership. If I didn’t have women investing into me, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And because I spent 10 years as an ethnic minority in a local church AND I have a daughter of color, this layer is even more important to me. When our world is equally lead by women, my work will stop. Until then, I’m here.

That’s why I’m throwing myself even deeper into coaching, training, and equipping women. This year, you may need a coach and some accountability to get from here to there. If so, let’s connect. Join a coaching group (one for women starting soon) or commit yourself to 1on1 Coaching.

You matter.

Potential Killer

“You’ve got so much potential.”

Depending on your age, stage, and current realities that declaration can either feel like a blessing or a curse. When you’re a teenager or in your 20s and someone says you have a ton of potential, it’s hopeful. Inspiring. Something to look forward to. But if you’re into your 30s and beyond or you’re frustrated with your life, that word can feel like a thousand razor blades. Missed opportunities. Settling. Giving up or giving in.

I remember a number of years ago my coach, Hendre, asked me what percentage of my potential I was living into.

Pause. I’m a pretty high achieving person. I like goals. I get a ton of stuff done. I tend to pride myself in all I’ve accomplished in my years in life (yes, I have issues I’m working through). In comparison with others, I’m doing pretty well. But that’s the problem!!! “In comparison too…” Comparison isn’t only the killer of joy. It’s also the killer of your potential.

Un-Pause. Immediately I knew and I blurted out the answer - 60%. SIXTY PERCENT. That’s like a D in school. Practically failing at living my own life fully. I knew that I was not growing into my potential the way I could. Not in comparison with anyone else. I run my own race and no one else’s. At the end of my life I get to account for how I spent my days and gifts. Only mine. Fulfilling my potential and purpose is the work I get to do.

For me, I realized that most of my potential was buried because I was performing at a pretty high level. I was getting things done and making an impact in the world. But I was also hiding. I was settling. I was letting my fear be greater than my faith.

Since that Day of Reckoning, I’ve been on a quest to pursue my potential so I don’t waste a thing. I don’t want to live with any regrets because I didn’t have the courage, didn’t take the risks, didn’t do what I know needed to be done. I want to multiply my gifts not simply for myself but for another. I don’t want to kill my potential for the sake of comfort or any other defense mechanism.

What about you?

What does the word “potential” mean to you? This year is the year for it to be a word of blessing. Don’t let your potential be a kliler for your purpose, confidence, or impact.

If you need a guide and some accountability in this process, let’s connect. Join a coaching group (one for women and one for youth workers) or commit yourself to 1on1 Coaching.

You’ve got loads of God-given potential. Develop it. You’re worth it.