Cause and Not Effect

I think we grow up with the notion that for every cause there's also a direct, proportional effect. Maybe it's true most of the time, but I don't think it's true in every circumstance.

For a long time after my infertility diagnosis, I felt like something was my fault. There was an explainable reason why I was diagnosed with PCOS. There was something I could have done different. Somehow it must have been my fault. If only I was less stressed, ate more veggies, exercised more, lived in cleaner air, took vitamins more regularly...if only.

But I've come to embrace the truth that not everything is my fault, or can be controlled. I live in a broken world. I am a broken person. I live with a broken husband. I serve with broken co-workers. Sin has messed it all up, and sometimes a simple cause and effect can not explain it all. It's simplistic to think so.

This whole idea brings me back to the truth from Romans 8:28 where God promises me that he will work everything together for good. That's a cause and effect that I can claim, remember, and celebrate. And it's not about me. It's about who my God is!

Superwoman or Human?

I love the song "Superwoman" by Alicia Keys. I turn it up in my car and sing at the top of my lungs on a regular basis. The chorus goes, "Even when I'm a mess / I still put a vest with an 'S' on my chest / Oh yes / I am a Superwoman / Yes I am". Sing it with me! I'd love to be a Superwoman, but I'm not.

A few months ago my dad was visiting us - after our medical journey ended and before our adoption journey started. We went on a walk and (true to my dad's form) he asked a number of questions about how we were doing in our journey and what I was learning.

One of the things I shared with him was that our infertility journey was teaching me about how human I am. Limits. Brokenness. Imperfection. Needy. And I said it was allowing me to connect with other people's brokenness and humanity in new ways. "Amen", my dad said. So be it.

I'm so grateful for a number of things from this crazy infertility journey, but this lesson is one of the greater reasons. I'm glad that I've been confronted in a most personal way with my humanity. I'm grateful that I've had to say, "help...I need...and I can't" more times than I've been able to take care of it. I'm grateful that my journey has allowed me to connect with so many other woman and their families who've been through similar journeys. I'm grateful to be connected to the humanity through our pain. Of course, I'd prefer to learn and experience these things through happy, dancing through the prairie experiences, but even a superwoman's life isn't perfect.

I still think I'm a superwoman, but just a different kind of one.