Holy [?] Week

Today is Easter. The day that changed everything. The day when LIFE became possible once again.

For the past several years, Lent and Holy Week have been predominantly contemplative, quiet, reflective, and holy days for me. These have been weeks where I've sensed God's presence in deeper ways and have noticeably grown closer to my Redeemer and Savior.

This year has been different. I fasted noise in my car [other than the noisiness of Judah and Addise attempting to out-jabber each other] because I couldn't figure out what else to give up. I felt like I've already given up so much: free time, sleep, personal space, my bed, going to the bathroom alone, sleeping in on Saturdays...And while every sacrifice has been unquestionably worth it, it's still stretched me. I told the Lord on Ash Wednesday, "I'm not sure what else I can give you." So, I [barely and with many exceptions] gave up music and phone calls while driving in hopes of hearing more from God. I'm not sure that I necessarily heard more from God, but the space definitely provided deeper breaths in the middle of our crazy days.

As I entered Holy Week last Sunday, I wondered how this year would be different.

I sat this week with a girlfriend who lost her baby at 22 weeks in utero. I wept as I listened to her grief and prayed with her. Yesterday, I celebrated another girlfriend's pregnancy at her baby shower while soberly remembering her previous miscarriage. Today, Easter Sunday, I wept at a grave site as one of my middle school students buried his mom. I sobbed holding my newly adopted daughter and watching this newly orphaned 14-year-old sing Green Day's "Time of Your Life" as his mother's funeral. Things were not as they should be. Things were exactly as they should be. The tension of Holy Week.

Years past, I used to attend 6am morning prayer at our church. I used to soak in more Scripture. This year the only thing that felt "holy" most days was when Judah and Addise both had clean diapers. Those were seemingly the only pure and set apart moments of my days!

Or maybe after they were freshly bathed, smelling all lovely as I rocked one of them to sleep.

Or maybe there was holy love when Judah gave me sweet kisses in the morning.

Or maybe there was a sacred moment when I chased my kids around the house to exhaust their boundless energy before dinner - giggling and squealing filled our home.

So, maybe I didn't start my days at 6am with a prayer meeting, but I'm learning new unforced rhythms of grace [Matthew 11, The Message]. And I'm finding God in the mundane and ordinary things.

In the words of the martyr Dietrich Bonhoeffer,

"I'm still discovering, right up to this moment, that it is only by living completely in this world that one learns to have faith. I mean living unreservedly in life's duties, problems, successes and failures, experiences and perplexities. In so doing, we throw ourselves completely into the arms of God."

I suppose I'm learning to throw myself into the arms of God as I change diapers, feed and bathe babies, and love them unconditionally.

Today was our first Easter as a family. And as Addise's name rightly reflects, there is new life all around, even in darkness. O Happy Day. He's alive!

Working Mom :: Our Own Worst Enemy

Myself. Other Women.
We are each others worst enemy when it comes to our choices - and even theology - of being a working mom.

MYSELF :: I am my worst critic when I...

• Compare myself to other moms and their choices. It's so easy to judge myself when I look at moms who stay at home and intentionally nurture their kids all day every day. It's also a lie I believe that their undivided attention is on their child's holistic development every day. I know that moms juggle a lot regardless of their "working" status. Comparison never works and always makes a villain and hero out of those being compared.
  
• Believe the lie that I can do it all and be the best at everything. It's impossible for me to be an amazing wife, mother, friend, pastor, student, daughter, sister...every day. The days when I place that expectation on myself are the days I feel the worst about myself. That's not the easy yoke Christ came to give me [Matthew 11]. Ultimately, I'm called to be a radical disciple of Jesus Christ!
  I've realized that I need to extend a LOT of grace to myself in this season of life. And I'm pretty passionate about surrounding myself with people who will do the same for me. I didn't realize how entirely demanding and [often] draining parenting 2 toddlers can be, even without the other responsibilities in my life. I've found the people that I'm most drawn to these days are also those who are foolishly graceful. I want to be near these people because they will point me toward redemption and growth.
  

OTHER WOMEN :: This sly enemy is most interesting to me. I find that women are brutally judgmental about each other's choices when it comes to raising children and working outside the home. We are quick to judge another's circumstances:

she is greedy [prestige, money, appreciation...].
she doesn't love her children as much as I love mine.
she doesn't have much to offer outside the home.
her husband is controlling.
she cares more about her career than her own children.
she misinterprets Scripture and a woman's role.
she's only thinking about the short-term [or long-term] affects of her decision.
she has to work because her husband doesn't make enough money.

It's jaw-dropping to her insinuations about a mother's choices. And I've heard all of these!

Over the years I've discovered that it's far more mature and wise to not judge another mom's choices about work. More often than not, I don't know the whole story that's led to their decision. And those times when I have judged - and I sure have! - then learned the whole story, repentance is in order.

I've learned that "to work or not to work" is a highly personal and emotional decision. And the women I respect who love Jesus fully make their decisions from a surrendered soul. They seek the voice of God for what their family needs.

My hope is the MORE women would pursue this all-too-important decision with the same prayerful and courageous spirit. I'm grateful for dear friends like Jeanne, Erin, Christina, Rebecca, Kara, Julie, Cassidy, Emily, and others who've gone before me. They've all chosen very different expressions of motherhood and work, but they've done so with thoughtfulness, prayer, and ultimately obediently.

Working Mom :: Childcare Thoughts

One of the first questions we are asked when I say that I'm working full-time is: "Who's taking care of the kids?" Logical question yet I think it's worth reflecting on why people only ask that question to moms and not dads.

SPIRITUAL/PHILOSOPHICAL ANSWER :: Since we've been married nearly 10 years, we've had endless conversations about our families of origin, our desired family model, studying biblical imperatives and stories, interviewing countless families on their work/family practices, and sacrifices we're willing to make. So, when we decided that I would continue working full-time there was a lot of thought that went into our family's philosophy. Here are some thoughts about childcare particularly.

• I'm willing to go part-time if we see that our kids need it and I'm overly struggling with work-parenting juggling act.
• Child-rearing is not the primary responsibility of the mother. We both carry this primary responsibility and believe we have equal calling from God to nurture and raise our children. [More about this in a future co-parenting post]
  
• We would not do a day care center for a bunch of reasons.
• We would only have childcare workers who share our vision for our family and would reinforce our values.
  
• We passionately believe that it takes a village to raise a child, so we actually WANT for additional voices, hands, and hearts caring for our children. We want for them to experience God and the world through others.
• We need help as parents. We both make better parents when we have breaks, different kinds of work, and others supporting our parenting. This job is way too important and difficult to do in a bubble.
  

PRACTICAL ANSWER ::

• Sundays are Daddy Days! While I'm working at church, Brian's taking that as a full day with the kiddos.
  
• 7 hours/week [Tuesday and Wednesday mornings] our kids are in our church's childcare. I LOVE this. My kids are playing down the hall from my office with my friends'/co-workers' kids in a safe environment, and they are cared for by women who love Jesus. To me it's a win-win.
• Brian's working part-time [approx. 25 hours/week], and his work hours are very, very flexible and he works almost exclusively from home.
  
• My work hours are also very flexible, with the exception of Sundays and some regular meetings. I can go into the office, meet with people, and work from home when I need to. I'm not confined to 9a-5p office hours.
  
• The rest of the week we figure out. Yes, it's a little chaotic and challenging at times, but it's a tension that we choose to live in.
  

Granted, this juggling takes a lot of communication and flexibility from Brian and I, too, but it's worth it. We love this work/parenting flow. It's worth acknowledging that this works for us because our work schedules are so flexible and our employers [both Christian organizations] value family.

What works for you? We have found this rhythm because of examples from others. I'd LOVE to hear so we can learn how to do this even better. After all, we are only 2 weeks into this new gig.

Here's a couple pics from last week when I brought my kids to work for a couple hours and they played in our church's infant room. It can work!

Mind you that Addise just finished eating lunch and now she's going after her brothers' food.
He graciously obliged. No wonder they are the sizes they are!

Contentedly feeding herself while watching Baby Einstein's Animals.