I want to be a woman who...

I'm a pretty selfish person, really. And I'm not really very giving. I like to hoard stuff for a rainy day, to make sure our booties are covered. I'd prefer for our savings account to have thousands of dollars in it, so in case something happens I know we can cover ourselves. Sure, there's some wisdom in that. But ultimately, it reveals that my heart doesn't totally, trust God every day to provide for me/us.

As we've become closer to our financial goal line, I've found myself praying that God would still allow us to receive all 3 grants, and tons of money from them. [You can tell a lot about your soul's health by what you pray for!] I want all that "extra" money to make sure we have our travel expenses paid for, rebuild our savings account after we've annihilated it through this adoption, have enough saved up to take time off work, and buy all the baby stuff one needs. But a couple days ago, I got a little reality check from Jesus.

Daily bread. Manna. Radical dependency. Paradoxical giving. Ruthless trust.

This whole adoption thing is causing even my selfish, hoarding financial side to be changed. I've been sabotaged by others' generosity and how God's provided the right amount of money - from our bank account or others - at exactly the right time for the right need. And I love experiencing in the depths of my soul that God's not forgotten me and he is for me and he wants to bless me.

So the other day as I was praying for a landfall of additional grant money, God prompted me differently. He said, "What about that trust factor again? What of your needs won't I meet? How about if I simply take care of your needs and not provide a landslide of resources? What about others' needs?" Hmmm...good point, Provider.

Here's a manifesto, of sorts, about the kind of person I want to be:

• I want to be the kind of woman who will trust God for my next provision, not have it all worked out so I'm mistakenly deceived that I can do it all myself.
  
• I want to experience God's blessing through his people, not just be able to take care of myself.
  
• I want to be the kind of woman who is a blessing to other people, too, who can't just take care of themselves.
  
• I want to be the kind of woman who blesses others the way that countless others have blessed us - radically, sacrificially - through our adoption.
• I want to give to people who wouldn't expect me to care, act, or serve them.
• I want to be the kind of giver that people will cause people to worship Jesus for how he's provided for them through one of his people.
  

I think that's more of the way it's supposed to work. Thank you to those of you who've taught me about this through your selfless, sacrificial giving. Now, I'm just praying that God would provide our daily bread so we are forced to radically depend on him and ruthlessly trust him in this journey. It's scarier for me this way, but it feels better in my soul.

Hope Is...

A smattering of really smart, deeply moving, and spiritually profound descriptions on hope (from Dan Allender's The Healing Path). Instead of reading through these quickly, savor them like a fine wine...

• When hope dies, vitality, passion, and creativity are lost.
• Waiting stirs the soul's deep struggle with hope. We think it pleasant to hope, but in fact, nothing is more difficult than to hope. Hope lifts us up and gives us a view of how much ground must still be traveling on our journey. It allows us to see the horizon, usually far beyond our reach.
• God lets us wait - not to punish us, not because he has forgotten us, but because our waiting is the crucible he uses to purify our hope for him.
• Biblical hope leads one to wait with eager patience.
• Hope makes us playful, free, and inventive. Hope is not naive desire but a calculated risk that declares, whatever the loss, it is better than remaining where we are.
• When the storms come, we typically respond to them by raging against the gale or turning away from the loss, resigned and despondent. Most choose the latter option, because once we relinquish desire the loss does not seem so severe. But resignation is always a betrayal, not only of desire but also hope. Hope is the quiet, sometimes incessant call to dream for the future...Hope cannot be killed, not ever, but it can be drugged numb and sleepy...Biblical hope is substantial faith regarding the future. Hope looks at the shattered remnants of the soul hit by the storm and envisions not merely rebuilding, but rebuilding a life that has even more purpose and meaning than existed before the loss.

...and I'm only a little more than half way through the book! I may blog on some of this more later. But today I pray for you and me that when storms of pain head our way that we would choose to rage against the gale and fight for home. And as we fight for hope that we'd become more playful, free, inventive, creative, and passionate people. More of who we were created to by. Knowing more of the one who created us.

The Healing Path

One of the tasks of my Sabbatical has been to revisit this painful past year (or two). The author I chose to guide me through is Dan Allender. I've read a number of his books and love everything he has to say. During my Sabbatical, I've been pacing myself through The Healing Path. I've been tempted to race through it because it's so readable and I'm so resonating with it, but I also want to slowly absorb it and let it touch those wounded, tender places in my soul.

One of the more profound truths I've absorbed is quoted from theologian Frederick Buechner,

We are never more alive to life than when it hurts -
more aware both of our own powerlessness to save ourselves
and of at least the possibility of a power beyond ourselves to save us
and heal us if you can only open ourselves to it.

Yes! I've said on a number of occasions in the past few months with the raw pain behind us that I almost miss some of the heartbreak of our infertility journey. Not because I'm a masochist. Not because I wish we were still going through medical treatment. Not because I wish I was pregnant. But because the intensity of my pain allowed me to go to places with God, Brian, myself, and my community that pain-free living does not. I do not wish to go back to those moments of desperation and despair, but I do long to be fully alive (thus my tattoo). And pain does that more than anything.

Of course, I am desperately seeking to live in the change that this journey has produced. I want to live with open hands to God's life-changing power and experience that LIFE in every way, every day. And I want my pain and heartbreak to heal me more and more...