I have a dear friend, Tracy, who's terrified of butterflies. Terrified of them like I'm terrified of snakes. But I've fallen in love with butterflies. It started over a year ago when my infertility journey started really tearing my heart out. Another close friend, Jeanne, told me, "I think it's time for you to read When the Heart Waits." I knew it was time.

For the next 6-8 months I painstakingly, slowly, and tearfully read through each chapter. First chapter 1. Then, a few weeks later, chapters 1 and 2. Then, a month later, chapters 1-3. And so on. I got caught on a few chapters. But every time I opened my book in my bed or at Laguna Beach, God spoke. He was transforming my bleeding heart and healing it.

The image the author, Sue Monk Kidd, used in her book is that of a butterfly. It's is the cocooning process that a caterpillar endures in order to become a butterfly. It involves a dark, waiting process. It involves a confined, painful place. It involved surrendering the previous form to become the new form. It involves change on every level for that caterpillar.

Over the past year, I have been like that caterpillar. Never have I waited so intensely for a dream. Never have I experienced such deep - to the core of my being - pain. Never have I felt change occurring on every level of my being. A lot of times I've wanted to just hide out in my cocoon and stop the process. Transformation is hard, painful work.

Brian bought me a gorgeous, diamond butterfly necklace for my 29th birthday. I almost never take it off. To me, it is a constant reminder of this soul metamorphosis. To me, it's a visual of God's unwavering goodness, tenderness, and gentleness in my pain. To me, it's a picture of the beauty that's emerging from my darkest days.

Butterflies are amazing creatures. They have taught me more this year than I ever thought I'd learn from them. I'm learning how to fly.


April L. Diaz

April has been a visionary activist her entire life. She has made it her mission to lead high performing teams and develop leaders in the margins of society while caring for our bodies, mind, and spirit. Secretly, sheโ€™s a mix of a total girly girl and a tomboy, and is still crazy about her high school sweetheart, Brian. Together, they co-parent 3 fabulous kiddos and live in Orange County, CA.