Infertility Described

For whatever reason, this month I've been particularly tender to our infertility journey. I haven't talked about it much, but if I read about infertility, reflect on our 2 years of it, or pray through it, I'm nearly brought to tears. If I had to label the reasons for my tenderness, I'd boil it down to...

  1. It was 1 year ago this month that my OB/GYN uttered the words, "I'm sorry. There's nothing else I can do for you. You'll need to see an infertility specialist." Ugh. That was a horrible conversation. One that will be indelibly etched in the caverns of my brain.
  2. We are getting oh-so close to sending in our dossier to Ethiopia [more on this in an upcoming post]. I keep thinking about our little one(s) [again, decision to be revealed in an upcoming post!!!!] and wondering where they are. I miss her more with each passing week. My heart literally aches when I think, pray, and hope for her.

I've read a couple excerpts from a couple books that have so beautifully described my journey with infertility. Perhaps it will help you understand me more. Perhaps it will whisper to your own journey. Perhaps it will give you a glimmer into another friend who's currently "in it".

Living through the ups and downs of a monthly cycle felt like riding an endless roller coast. At the start of every month, particularly during the "trying days", I always felt a surge or renewed hope. The middle part of the month wasn't bad either, as I anticipated test day. At times I felt like I was a little girl again, the December snow blanketing the earth and twinkling lights adorning the rooftops, while I waited anxiously under my covers until six am rolled around - the hour my parents permitted me to rush out to discover what Santa left me under the Christ tree. The end of the month, however, always left me feeling like the Grinch. Many nights I would stain my pillow with tears.
from ashes to africa by josh & amy bottomly
Every month she hoped her dreams would wed with reality and her womb would fill. Each menses mocked her desire, and she settled in for another month of rising and falling hope.
from The Healing Path by Dan Allender
If you have a friend who is "in it", please feel free to pass this on. Sometimes we just need words to describe our journey and validate our emotions. I know I do.

April L. Diaz

April has been a visionary activist her entire life. She has made it her mission to lead high performing teams and develop leaders in the margins of society while caring for our bodies, mind, and spirit. Secretly, sheโ€™s a mix of a total girly girl and a tomboy, and is still crazy about her high school sweetheart, Brian. Together, they co-parent 3 fabulous kiddos and live in Orange County, CA.