Pain Remnants

Even though Judah and Addise are home forever and we delight in being a family, pockets of pain surprise me and still sucker punch me from time to time.

Let me state my deep belief - every part of the adoption story is painful. Every part. The part where a child lost her biological parent(s) to death, sickness, abandonment, or in order to survive. The part where [some] adoptive parents suffer through the unimaginable pain of infertility. The part when the adoption process take five thousand more years than you signed up for. The part after you receive your referral and still wait endless weeks and months for governments to do their jobs. And yes, even the parts after your child comes home.

The current pain puts Judah on center stage. We were matched with Judah when he was 2 years and 1 month old. We entered into his story soon after he turned 2 years old and received very limited information about his family of origin, health history, and first home. We gleefully received about 10 pictures of our new son. And we so happy that HE was the ONE that God chose to be our son. He was a perfect match in every way and beyond our wildest prayers. He still is.

But this month Addise is 2 years and 1 month old. We met Addise at 9 months old and brought her home at 11 months and definitely grieve missing her first days of life. But one day this week it hit me like a ton of bricks that we have hundreds of pictures of Addise from the past 14 months and millions of memories of our life together as a family.

Yet it was at Addise's age this month that we first were introduced to Judah. Sucker punch in the gut. Hot tears knowing how much we don't know about his first 25 months of life. As his mom, I have no idea how to become okay with this other than trust the God who brought us together.

Without hesitation, it was worth it. The ongoing pain is worth it. Judah needed a family and though we've missed out on hundreds of pictures and millions of memories, we are creating them now and would do it all over again. Judah is worth it.

First time on a carousel. At Disneyland.

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April L. Diaz

April has been a visionary activist her entire life. She has made it her mission to lead high performing teams and develop leaders in the margins of society while caring for our bodies, mind, and spirit. Secretly, she’s a mix of a total girly girl and a tomboy, and is still crazy about her high school sweetheart, Brian. Together, they co-parent 3 fabulous kiddos and live in Orange County, CA.