Hinds' Feet on High Places

Hinds' Feet on High Places is a great modern-day allegory about the role pain plays in our lives. I choked up today reading it today from Dan Allender's book The Healing Path...

In this parable God calls Much-Afraid to make a journey to the high country with two companions, Suffering and Sorrow, who will help her on her sojourn. Stunned that God would call her to travel with such unattractive friends, she pleads with the Shepherd. 'I can't go with them,' she gasped. 'I can't. I can't. O my shepherd, why do you do this to me? How can I travel in their company? It is more than I can bear. You tell me that the mountain itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why, must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions. Couldn't you have given me Joy and Peace to go with me, to strengthen me, and encourage me and help me on this difficult journey. I never thought you would do this to me!"

And so has been my past two years...

No Matter What...

Following Jesus for me has never been that difficult. There's been a few bumps along the road, doubts, fears, and challenges, but I've always had faith in Jesus. I think when life has always been pretty painless, it's easy to follow Jesus. My dad says I have a tendency to fall into a pile of crap and come out smelling like a rose. Oversimplified, that's been my life and journey following Jesus.

But what happens when life gets hard? Infertility changed everything for me. Through one diagnosis, my faith was immediately, wholly challenged. For the first time, my core beliefs, values, and desires were called into question. I was gently forced to re-question my faith Jesus and what he most desired for me.

God is not a giant 8-ball. He doesn't revolve around me. What I want most isn't necessarily what's best for me or best for the Kingdom. Ultimately, why do I love Jesus?

I remember a day when I was listening to a worship song (probably Chris Tomlin who was my worship leader for the year) and something clicked deep within. Through a lot of tears, these words spilled out...

I will follow you, Jesus, no matter what.
I love you because of who you are, not only for what you can do for me.
I will be obedient to you, even in my darkest hour.
I will trust that you will give me your best, even though the best to me looks different.

No matter what...I mean it.

Attachment and Consciousness

When we met with our social worker (from Dillon International), she talked about how important attachment is for babies. With biological kids it's easy to take for granted the "givens " in connecting with your newborn - holding them right after birth, repeated kisses on their slimy faces, nursing, middle of the night diaper changes, etc...

With adoption it's more difficult because you have no idea what their life was like from conception until they become a part of your family. It's safe to assume they don't receive the same nurture, connection, and affection that another baby does. So, when that baby enters their "forever family", developing attachment is one of the most important tasks between parent and child. They have to learn that you are their parent - the one who will take care of their basic needs and love them beyond measure.

The other thing our social worker talked with us about is the psychological connection between the development of attachments and consciousness. Kids who don't develop attachments to their mom and dad also do not develop a strong moral consciousness. Fascinating, huh!?! It makes sense though - if you do not develop attachments to another human being, than why would you care how you treat another human being?

This learning has caused me to pray differently for our little one(s). I'm praying for what life is like for them before they become Baby Ethiopia Diaz (with a white momma...what a 3rd culture kid!). I'm praying that quicker than normal that our little one(s) intuit that I'm her momma. I'm praying that God would make up whatever time we've lost from each other, and that a strong bond will form.