What I Feel the Most...

I wasn't entirely expecting it, but there it is again.

For the past 23 days, I've been over-the-moon excited for Lil' A and Baby T coming into our lives. I've saved their pictures to my phone's home screens, my laptop background, printed some for our fridge and we actually framed 2 of each of them. We are fully in love! They feel like ours already, even though we are very aware that something devastating could happen and our adoption could fall through. We deeply celebrate everyday that what was lost is now found.

What I wasn't entirely expecting what how much grief I would feel for their birth mothers. Overwhelming compassion. Deep sorrow. Soulful mourning. While I have never been able to conceive a child, a woman who was had to give hers up because they wouldn't survive without it. I cannot imagine. Simply cannot imagine that grief of giving up a child you love because of poverty.
I've found myself praying frequently for their birth family. Praying for peace. Praying for healing. Praying for comfort. Praying for restoration. Praying for confirmation that her sacrifice was courageous and right. Praying the Holy Spirit - in ways only he can - will let her know that Brian and I will passionately love their child.

Tonight I was reading my blog roll and found THIS POST. I wept as I read. It's a snapshot into my heart and a prayer I have for our children to someday find some answers for their identity. The reality is that adoption is FILLED with grief and pain, but God - as only God can do - bring beauty from ashes.

2 "Pregnancies"...

Today marks 18 months since we started our adoption process. It's fitting that we are adopting 2 Lil' A and Baby T and it's been 18 months. 2 pregnancies = 18 months. Some days I feel 18 months pregnant, I just don't get the stretch marks.

It's a little odd to stare at their two faces, enormous eyes, gorgeous lips, and coffee skin and love these little 'strangers' sooooooooooo much. Though we've never met, I'm totally in love. Lil' A is our son. Baby T is our daughter. In the midst of indescribable pain in all our stories, they were meant to be ours.

I can't imagine THAT DAY when we will commit before a judge to be their parents. We have chosen them forever, just as God has chosen us. And our God has chosen Lil' A and Baby T to be ours.

Immeasurably grateful...it is a great privilege to adopt. I am convinced. If only every Jesus follower was able to experience this...

ps. this month also marks 3 complete years of trying to start a family...we never imagined this journey would look like this. and yet, we are grateful. beyond what we could've hoped or imagined.

Practicing Parenting...with 2 fish

In light of the impossibility of topping my last few posts introducing Baby T and Lil' A, I would like to introduce you to the 2 newest Diaz family members: Ringo [left] and Spike [right]. Ringo is the cool, calm, and collected fish. Spike is a little crazy and fiesty. I worry about his mental health.

Last week a friend at work offered to give us 2 Betta fish. After more thought than the decision warranted, we accepted. [It's like it was a big decision.] After all, they were free, low maintenance, came with free homes, and they provided us with first attempt at parenting. Actually, at first Brian suggested we flush them down the toilet and see how long they'd fight for their lives, but at last he embraced these 2 fish as pets. We spent quite a bit of time trying to name them. Among the finalists were Maximus, Eddie, Edward, Cliff, Theo, Starbuck and Apollo. A very serious endeavor.

After a few days, they've managed to cost us $8.67 on colored rocks [see above pic] and food. Brian's become quite fond of them. He's feeding them, concerned about the poop levels in their water bowls, and wondering what they are thinking about their new home. I've told him these levels of responsibility and nurturing are promising signs of fatherhood. I've NEVER been concerned about these qualities in my husband - he's kind of a rock star in these categories, but none the less, he's never had to activate these qualities in a parenting role. Until now.

Baby T and Lil' A, Ringo and Spike are waiting for you. We got these 2 crazy fish for you. You already have pets [and blankets and a few toys with little brown people and lots of books!] We love you oh-so much. We look at your faces too many times a day to count and wonder what you're doing. We pray for your caretakers and friends at the orphanage. We are praying for every aspect of the legal processes to go smoothly and without delay so we can bring you home as quickly as humanly possible. Until you get home, we'll take good care of Ringo and Spike and practice our best parenting skills on them. We love you, Baby T and Lil' A.