You Can Have it All...

You can have it all.

You just can't have it all, all the time.

Long before I became a mom, I was investigating what exactly motherhood would do to my full and fast-paced life. I ravenously observed moms (especially working moms), asked intrusive questions, and engaged in lots of discussion from women who's lives I admired. As I soaked in wisdom, mistakes, lessons learned, and whatnot from these amazing women, Brian and I had a bajillion conversations about what our life would look like when we had kids. 

Perhaps the best phrase that was given to me in those early days was from friend/mentor/ministry partner, Kara Powell. Over lunch she dropped this apropos bomb: "I firmly believe you can have it all. You just can't have it all, all the time." She went on to share quite honestly and vulnerably with me about her highs and lows of being a working mom. She shared about the necessary sacrifices of being a working mom. She shared about calling and passion and stewardship of gifts. She shared her heart with me and it resonated in my own.

Her story resonated with me on a deep level and since becoming a mom nearly 2 years ago, I can affirm the weighty truth of her statement. Basically, I can only do two things in my life these days: work and family. To me, that's my "ALL" these days. Allow me to elaborate.

I do not make fancy dinners 5 nights a week. I do not workout, like EVER. I don't do crafts with my kids. I don't go out with girlfriends every week. My house gets cleaned, oh, about every 2-3 weeks. Dishes are regularly found in my sink. I shop online because getting to physical stores is about impossible. I have several returns in the trunk of my car from the few times I have made it into a real store. I do not bake. My kids are bathed every 2-3 days (way less often for poor Baby #3). Day 3 and 4 hair is all too common (as are ponytails). I got my hair cut last week for the first time in 5+ months. I return voice mails at an embarrassingly slow rate. I have a dozen undone home projects that taunt me. 

But I think I'm a darn good mother (and wife...hopefully the hubby agrees) and employee. Those two things are quite literally the only things I have time for. Still, quite honestly there are some days when I'm an amazing mom and a crappy employee, then other days when I'm a shabby mom and incredible employee. "Balance" is an illusion and I do not pursue it. "Perfection" is the worst curse word. Yet at the end of a given week (or month) I can proudly look back and say "I have it all - three healthy and thriving children and a fulfilling, high capacity job." 

If we live in the same zip code, I could take you out to coffee (during naps, of course) and share all my secrets and sins of "how" this works in a our chaotic family of 5, but for now I want to join the women who've gone before me and exclaim, YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL. But it'll cost you some things and you'll have to be darn smart in discerning what "all" means for you because being a mom will illuminate your limits and highlight your competencies more than anything else.

Here's to women! I'm certain we could rule the world. XOXO

PS. For another perspective on this long-standing conversation, this manifesto from a high powered working mom is haunting, truthful, and challenging. I'd very much encourage you to read it.

5 months

Today marks 20 weeks pregnant with our son. I'm halfway there!

To be honest, though, this has been the roughest month of pregnancy for me. I've experienced more physical discomfort, pain, exhaustion, stretching, and nauseous that my first 4 months combined. Vomit, gas, indigestion, utter exhaustion, and physical depletion have all been a major part of this past month of pregnancy. It may have some to do with 2 weeks of holiday traveling, my belly growing, caring for 2 toddlers, and a few very emotionally exhausting work weeks, but I'm desperately praying this isn't a trend for the remainder of my pregnancy. The past couple weeks have involved a LOT of tears, Tums, careful eating, desperate prayers, silent fears. If you need further proof that we are less-than-perfect, the Christmas tree wast just taken down 4 days ago and is still sitting in our living room in it's box.

REDEMPTION. Instead of working a satisfying and FULL work day today at my church, I spent the day in bed. I woke up and knew I wasn't feeling ok. But I pulled myself out of bed, took a shower, starting putting on makeup, and then sent a text to our [male] lead pastor and [male] co-worker that I was feeling awful and needed prayer. The next 5 minutes of text exchanges lead me to literally weeping in my bathroom: "rest with joy", "we are a team", "we got your back", "take care of yourself and baby". While wiping away hormonal tears to read the texts, I realized the tears were both present and historic.

Present because THIS has been the worst week of pregnancy. I've felt terrible most of the week and by yesterday felt utterly discouraged at the feat of carrying my son for another 20 weeks. I've tried to tough it out this week - at work and at home - while still quietly attending to my body and baby. It's left me exhausted.

But my tears also opened up a historic wound and fear in my leadership journey. Since the early days of ministry, I've been afraid - rightfully and imagined - that my being feminine would eventually place a ceiling on my influence. I felt that most acutely as a mother. So, too often I've erred on the side of not crying on the job, faking feminine pain, speaking like a man when my feminine voice is more needed, not talking about my infertility or kids' latest accomplishments, etc.

However, being on staff at Newsong for nearly the past 8 years has been very healing and freeing for me. Our mostly-male leadership has affirmed, blessed, promoted, and stood by me in the most unlikely times - like this morning. Receiving texts like these this morning - when all I wanted to do is suck in my protruding belly, push through the yuckiness, and pretend to be Super Momma-Pastor - they didn't let me. They didn't ask invasive questions or challenge my plea for prayer. They didn't ask if I thought I could still fulfill my significant responsibilities today or ask that I find replacements. They simply blessed me and prayed for me. My risk to be vulnerable was monumentally healing for me and, I believe, restoring for the community I lead in.

LIMITS. If there's just one lesson to be learned in pregnancy for me, it's accepting my limits. Today was a clear example but there's been a hundred over the past few months. Some close friends gently, firmly, and compassionately chastised me a couple weeks ago that though the demands of my job and motherhood are evident these days, there is nothing more important than caring for the little man growing inside of me. I only get 1 shot to be pregnant, only 9 months to set him on a developmental trajectory that will impact the rest of his life, only one shot to "enjoy" these 9 months. It was a reset of my limits and priorities that I think about every day. Though I may not be able to work 12-hour days anymore or throw my babies up in the air, I must care for this little being consuming my womb and every conscious moment. I'm the ONLY one who can do this job.

As for a picture of my belly, here's a picture I took a couple days ago from our HORRENDOUS women's restrooms at work. The background is an atrocity and it's a self-portrait into a mirror, but at least it captures nearly 20 weeks en utero for our son.

I have to say, maternity pants are the BEST! So comfy and no zippers and buttons to deal with when going to the bathroom. BONUS!

NAMES. Also, on a very random note, we have no idea what to name our son. We have a few names in the queue but no glorious moment affirmed by singing angels. Again, naming Judah and Addise was borderline divine and simple. For this baby, we had the PERFECT first AND middle name selected. I even have back-up girl names. But to name this boy feels impossible. I've resorted at this point to reading movie credit names and listening into stranger's conversations for tips. Our major problem is the 1) we want a creative and somewhat unique name, like J&A, and 2) it must be highly meaningful and somewhat prophetic for our son's life. That eliminates about one million names. And once you start looking for names for YOUR child, you realize how many names you hate.


Again, if you have any suggestions on where to look for names let me know. And you'll get bonus points if you can direct me to a place where I can search for names by meaning [ex: names that mean "restore" are...].

Thanks for hanging with me in the sob story of today. And for praying. I know it changes things, especially me.

"How Long?" for Women in Ministry

Last year I was asked to write a piece for my dear friend who's helping to publish a rather large project. Today I got word that my piece must be dropped because of some behind-the-scenes politics. "How Long?" seems a more fitting cry than ever from the psalmist and my fellow women.  My friend asked me to write a piece, based off Psalm 40, regarding women in ministry. 


Though this is a wildly different post than my norm, I thought it would be appropriate to share on my blog. Please read Psalm 40 first and then my piece...

Psalm 40

Waiting. No one likes waiting. Maybe least of all me. I’ve waited for my entire life to see your Church reflect your heart to see men and women lead your people. Equally. With skillful hands and integrity of heart [Psalm 78:72].  I’ve waited for your Church to wake up and get it that we have as much to contribute to the Kingdom as men do! I wish your Word was painfully clear about our contribution equality!

Too many times I’ve seen women in the pit of despair because they have not been allowed to use their voice, their gifts, their experiences, their very calling to build the Kingdom. You have not stopped them from leading and teaching, Lord; your people have. 

My sisters and I have cried when we’ve been told “no”, “be quiet”, “this is not your place”. We need your rescue, God. We desperately need you to bring good news in places where we are pushed down, snuffed out, and negotiated around. Your Kingdom suffers when we are relegated to roles and ministries and places where we are not gifted or passionate. How long?

Our circumstances may not change, our culture may never fully reflect your heart for your Church, but you never change. You are solid and steady and trustworthy. When your Church may fail me, I can still be amazed by who you are. I will find my hope in who you are, not in an outcome – a promotion or a platform or power. I will receive a new song that you give me and sing to the rooftops of who you are and what you’ve done.  I will serve you fully and contribute my best to your Kingdom, even in the midst of broken systems and unjust theology. Give me the courage I need to be faithful today.

How long will we sing this song? When I grieve for what your Church is not yet, I must remember that you are a God of justice and have called ordinary people like me to bring justice on earth as it is in heaven [Matthew 5:10]. Help me not be afraid to speak out and speak for those who do not have a voice.

You have written your calling upon my heart and I will not forsake you. I will take joy in following you no matter what anyone else says.  Help me listen to you more and more and follow you obediently. Thank you for my calling, even if it’s not honored among others.

copywright 2010 April L. Diaz