Mommy Needs...

The scene was my kitchen table and living room. The date was a random Friday a couple weeks ago. Brian went for a long run then a Costco run. I was home with my kids on my Sabbath...working.

My days are out of control recently. I'm working way too much. Way. It's a unique season of ministry where I've finished most days with a list of "to dos" longer than when I've started the day. Every single day has dealt with painful emails, difficult conversations, disappointed followers, misunderstood decisions, and awkward transitions. Literally, every single day. It's a season I hope to leave sooner than later. Tears have defiantly fallen more often than I'd like. I've been hanging on by a thread while passionately casting a vision of a new thing I believe God's calling our community toward [Isaiah 43:18-19]. Most days I feel a complicated tension of intense conviction and a weary beat down.

My prayer life has taken on a life of its own! My prayers have been desperate. Wholly hopeful. Deeply convicted. Sometimes demanding. Always honest. Never defeated.

Back to the scene in my kitchen/living room. I was desperately trying to catch up on a litany of emails and ever-urgent "to dos", instead of playing with my kids on the floor. Ugh. As I'm sitting at my computer doing all kinds of pastoral and "spiritual" things I found myself turning my head over my shoulder every 5-7 minutes yelling at my toddlers. Addise, don't hit Judah! Judah, stop jumping on the couch!! Addise, you know you're not supposed to drink Judah's water!!! Judah, if you do that one more time you get a hand-slap!!!! At one moment I'm spiritually leading people virtually and the next minute I'm about to go postal on my kids. All the while, I'm having a very "Paul" moment:

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. [Romans 7]

Brian got home before I did something really bad and asked how I was. I erupted, "I'm about to have a serious meltdown in every way." True to form, Brian calmly responded a few minutes later. "I'm going to tell you what you're going to do and you're not going to argue. You're going to take a shower [NOTE: this was because it'd probably been 2.5 days] and then you're going to leave and not come back until later tonight. You can go to the mall. You can do whatever you want, but you need to go." I choked back tears and ran off to the shower. During my shower my mind raced with how I was going to make the best use of my 5 hours alone. Errands needed to be run. Returns made. Groceries picked up. Gift cards used. Personal tasks completed. But I kept coming back to REST. I needed rest.

After my shower, Brian came back to our room and said, "I have another idea. You know that place we got massages [$20 for an hour!!!]? Go there." I started crying again and said I also thought of going to see a movie alone. His Puerto Rican eyes got really big. I've never done that. Ever. I always thought that excursion was for weirdos [though Brian adores movies alone]. But I was craving sitting in an air conditioned theater with no one asking me for anything, touching me, expressing their disappointment in my actions. My heart needed to be massaged by God, as much as my aching muscles.

That afternoon was hard for me just to receive the grace of time and let go. But my soul demanded it. I've been meditating on the passage where Jesus beckons his disciples to answer this question: "what's the benefit if you gain the whole world and lose your souls?" I will not lose my soul.

Though I'm a hot mess these days, I know I'm loved. I'm loved by my God though I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do. I'm loved by my husband who's the best friend, co-parent, and love of my life. And I know I'm loved by others who care about who I am more than what I do. So, I'm a mess yet I'm grateful. And I'm learning some along the way, too.

Working Mom :: Calling

When people ask me how I can be the kind of mom I want to be AND work full-time, I tell them 2 things. First, I have an amazingly supportive husband [without this the second point isn't even valid]. Second, I have an amazingly supportive employer with super a flexible work schedule.

It's the second point that I'll dedicate to this post [my last post was on the first point]. Let me begin by saying that I believe in callings. I believe God gives them to everyone, but callings look different. That's why it's especially important in the Church that we learn to honor and bless each others' callings. When we do that, we empower another to bring the Kingdom more on Earth as it is in Heaven. I also believe that callings can change as we grow, life changes, and we are faithful in what we've been given. What I was called to 5 years ago is somewhat different from today because of those things.

I work for a church and I'm immensely grateful our faith community models biblical gender equality. They believe in me as a pastor and a mother. They honor both callings and make space for me to be both. I believe in part I'm called to be a voice in the Church for those who don't have a voice [specifically the next generation, the poor, and orphans]. Some of the moments I feel most alive, impassioned, and fulfilled are when I'm leading, teaching, and loving people toward Jesus. If I quit my job, I believe I'd be disobedient to living out the calling God gave me when I was 16 years old.

I also believe that part of what I'm called to do is be a mother. In fact, I believe if you have kids that is one of your MAIN callings. Take it another step, I believe the Church - God's people - is called to father/mother the next generation! Because of this, I make willing sacrifices in my pastoral calling in order to fulfill my mothering calling. It's messy, but I believe someday I'll stand before God and give an account to my obedience in living out my callings.

Reminds me of the Parable of the Talents...will you/I invest or bury the gifts, skills, passions we've been given by the Living God?

[NOTE: if you have questions or suggestions for this "Working Mom" series,
I'd love to hear them!]

Working Mom :: Co-Parenting

When people ask me how I can be the kind of mom I want to be AND work full-time, I tell them 2 things. First, I have an amazingly supportive husband [without this the second point isn't even valid]. Second, I have an amazingly supportive employer with super a flexible work schedule.

It's the first point that I'll dedicate to this post. Brian does not see me as the primary parent. He doesn't think that it's more my job to parent in these early years. He doesn't believe his primary job is to provide financially for our family. He views his primary job as being the best husband and father he can be. He doesn't value career over fatherhood. And he honors my calling as a pastor AND a mother. Because of these foundational beliefs, we are able to co-parent our children.

Practically, co-parenting means that Brian changes diapers, prepares meals, dresses our kids, puts them to bed, bathes them, and nurtures them with me. There is nothing I do that Brian doesn't do. Some days he does more of these things than I do. Other days, I carry the load more. But the point is that we both view and practice the daily grind of caring for 2 toddlers equally. We honor that we both have roles and responsibilities beyond parenting that we need to be healthy and whole. We support our individual needs so that we can bring our best to our marriage and kids.

We are learning how to do this better, too! We are learning how to parent from our strengths and draw from each others best contributions. We are struggling to find boundaries with work and play. We are seeking counsel and support from other parents we admire. We are facing our limits in very, very full lives. We are failing daily!! But our failure and struggle only increases our desire to co-parent. We need each other, desperately, to raise these 2 little people to fully become themselves.

Co-parenting. I'm a fan!